Letting Go

I never imagined I'd be finding my voice at 40-something, and yet here I am. When my second marriage fell apart, I found solace in three sources - my community of faith, a good therapist, and voice lessons. I have always loved to sing, but a sense of "imposter syndrome" always overwhelmed my courage. So, I found a voice teacher at the age of 38, and aimed to really see if I could sing. I imagined learning to breath well, stand up straight, and enunciate. In the last three years, I have, indeed, worked on these techniques but have found these to be ultimately minor aspects of voice lessons.

My first lesson was learning to relax. My teacher, Larry, quickly noticed that my jaw was perpetually tense. [Of course, given the genesis of these lessons, a little stress in the jaw is no surprise]. Private voice lessons are intense, so tension is no surprise. As the student, I basically sing....alone....in a small room with one teacher and a piano. He played the piano and beckoned my voice to follow the notes...usually with sounds reminiscent of an early childhood phonic lesson....Ahhhhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhh, BiBopBiBopBiBop. The scales didn't stay in my comfort zone, but were designed to push my vocal range at both the high and low extremes. During these exercises I was supposed to "relax". Instead, I stayed true to character and simply tried too hard focusing on getting it right. The result was nervous laughter and a vocal sound only a teacher being paid by the hour could love.

In the midst of these exercises, Larry would sometimes ask me a story about my life, about my then four year old son. And I would tell him a funny story, and we'd talk a moment, and then we'd return to the exercises. I recall thinking on several occasions: "I'm not paying him for idle chit chat!" And then one day, I got it. Larry asked me a story about my son right in the midst of an exercise....at that moment of trepidation on the scales when the voice either transitions smoothly to it's "upper register" or it "breaks". After sharing my anecdote and subsequent smile, Larry returned to the exercise and my voice soared smoothly through the scale. Suddenly, I was on to him! Larry asked me for stories of my son at strategic moments, those times when I needed most to relax. Voice lessons have been less about technique and more about letting go, which - I should add - complimented the advice from my therapist and faith community perfectly!