Epiphany

I love those epiphanic moments when I suddenly see something in a new way, including my own life. Lately, life's been filled with other-driven epiphanies - deception and secrecy uncovered within the lives of family members. Like the children of many dysfunctional families, over time I newly recognize the depth of the dysfunction but more importantly on the manner in which I have been shaped either within and/or in response to my life context. For example, I've long been 'gifted' in putting a positive spin on even the worst of circumstance, so much so that, as part of my healing, I've actually had to practice being sad.

I gave advice to a friend recently where I think I fell off the wagon. Having experienced two major losses in less than a year, I encouraged him that at some point he would, indeed, have these aspects of his life back. But, that's wrong. Broken families and unemployment don't magically get restored. And yet, despair even over such major loss is not the end of the story.

Life does get better and often in ways we never imagine. When my husband left and "broke" my own family, I lost not only a husband and consistent parenting partner but also a dream. This particular dream for an intact family for me and my son will, unfortunately, never be restored. Still, what were once just fragments of loss have reemerged into a new shape, the pieces now compose a new and more hopeful puzzle. Four years into being single again, I am not happy to be divorced in general , but I am quite happily divorced in particular. And the big picture is that I am more whole and more hopeful about the future than I ever imagined possible.

I am not pleased that I've experienced so many losses, but I celebrate that I see God's grace in the midst, that I have witnessed the manifestation of Christ within and beyond these losses. I'm sad for my friend; he won't get the life he imagined back even when he is gainfully employed or enters a new relationship. And yet, I hope for him that as he moves forward he, too, will look back on these real experiences that now seem only sad and ultimately see how these moments transformed his sense of possibility and served as catalysts for healing. I have great hope for epiphany in his life.

Indeed, may we all see manifestations of Christ in the darkest moments. May we experience Epiphany fully today and throughout the year!

Resolution

Today is the traditional day for resolutions. I wonder what I actually resolved in January 2008? If I resolved to do any of the following, then I'd be able to say I fulfilled my goals for 2008:

1)watch less television
2)read more often [clearly coincides with #1]
3)begin dating again
4)secure new responsibilities at work
5)nurture a love for reading in my son [see #1 and #2]
6)exercise regularly [I'm embarrassed to say it may be related to #3]
7)participate in a writing group
8)renovate my basement

Now, if I resolved to do the following in 2008, then I'd have to say I did not fulfill my goals.

1) organize my life
2) submit writing for publication regularly

I think I actually resolved to be more organized; in fact, I just found a "one year to an organized life" book published in early 08 with an uncracked spine. If I judge myself on this single resolution, I was an abyssmal failure in 2008. By comparison, I accomplished four times as many potential resolutions as not. In this case, looking back is more productive than imagining forward!

Considering resolution to solely mean "a formal expression of intentions" might simply be too limiting. Let's think of resolution in musical terms, that is "to cause [a voice part or harmony as a whole] to progress from a dissonance to a consonance". Everyday opens opportunity for resolution....dissonance to consonance, cacophony to harmony, conflict to peace.

So, for 2009, my resolution is make space for consonance even amidst the dissonant, to affirm the paradox of life.