Today, I was vacuuming and my son thought it'd be funny to scare me. So, he entered the room unnoticed and spit out a high pitch scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs(to his joy)and while I narrowly avoided yelling expletives I screamed some not-so-creative alternatives.."GOSH...DARN....IT". I wasn't happy. I hate when he does this, and I've told him so. It took a moment for my heart's beat to slow, and I said sternly... "Don't Do That! Do You Want your Mother to Have a Heart Attack?!!".
"That's not how heart attacks happen", he retorted, "We learned in science that heart attacks happen when cells die and blood can't get to the heart".
"It's official", I said with a growing grin,"I'm not smarter than a fifth grader".
On the better days...which really are most days...I count the many blessings of spending each of my days with my son. He's great. He's funny. He rolls with the punches of life. And helps me keep perspective.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Parenting Solo
There are days when I say and feel that single parenting is, if not great, then eminently doable. Today is not one of those days.
Today is a big fat reminder that single parenting is a misnomer. Doing it all alone is much more like it.
Gabe came home from his weekend at his dad's tired and cranky. He also came home exposed to a bug from his year old sister, which given his tired system unsurprisingly turned into full on illness. So, when on most days I find the courage and spirit to say it's ok, here's why today it just isn't.
Gabe's headache, fever, and belly ache kept him awake most of the night. My efforts to provide Tylenol, cold compresses, juice, back rubs, and the most soothing voice I could muster kept me up most of the night as well. There was no other parent with whom to team tag so we could each get some sleep, which I imagine gives each a better chance at offering the soothing voice to a sick kid. (I snapped a bit mid-morning). As I feel the bug myself, there is no one to care for Gabe while I rest. And there was no one to negotiate sharing sick-child care with as I considered my busy work day. Gabe had to come to work with me for the one meeting I could not cancel today. The other meetings had to wait.
And then the notion of single parenting doesn't begin to address the taking-care-of-a-household solo realities. As I dragged my sick kid to work, the "malfunction indicator light" came on in my car. Lovely. No one to ask to "take care of that for me". When we got home, I had to take the trash out. After I delivered the 3 bins of recycling and 4 trash cans to the curb....in the rain...I noticed a pile of dirt in the garage. My best guess is a critter had found his way into a new bag of top soil in my garage. Duck taping the whole, placing the top soil in new bag, cleaning up the mess......all mine. Coming into a house that's a mess reflecting my recent whirlwind work travel....during which I depended upon good friends and neighbors to care for my son since his father lives 90 miles away and thus can't host him on school nights. Parenting alone means that I pack not one bag but pack my kid up as well...my travel disrupts his living situation and reminds us both that our family life is not as God designed.
Yes, I know. Really, I do. I am blessed in many ways. I have a job that pays the bills, offers me sufficient flexibility to parent, and brings me meaning and joy most of the time. I have a few friends who help me out....a lot. I should focus on these things; after all, Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away. That reminds me. I have a turkey to buy and a house to clean. Maybe I'll just allow myself the gift of being sad and cranky for a day or so.
Today is a big fat reminder that single parenting is a misnomer. Doing it all alone is much more like it.
Gabe came home from his weekend at his dad's tired and cranky. He also came home exposed to a bug from his year old sister, which given his tired system unsurprisingly turned into full on illness. So, when on most days I find the courage and spirit to say it's ok, here's why today it just isn't.
Gabe's headache, fever, and belly ache kept him awake most of the night. My efforts to provide Tylenol, cold compresses, juice, back rubs, and the most soothing voice I could muster kept me up most of the night as well. There was no other parent with whom to team tag so we could each get some sleep, which I imagine gives each a better chance at offering the soothing voice to a sick kid. (I snapped a bit mid-morning). As I feel the bug myself, there is no one to care for Gabe while I rest. And there was no one to negotiate sharing sick-child care with as I considered my busy work day. Gabe had to come to work with me for the one meeting I could not cancel today. The other meetings had to wait.
And then the notion of single parenting doesn't begin to address the taking-care-of-a-household solo realities. As I dragged my sick kid to work, the "malfunction indicator light" came on in my car. Lovely. No one to ask to "take care of that for me". When we got home, I had to take the trash out. After I delivered the 3 bins of recycling and 4 trash cans to the curb....in the rain...I noticed a pile of dirt in the garage. My best guess is a critter had found his way into a new bag of top soil in my garage. Duck taping the whole, placing the top soil in new bag, cleaning up the mess......all mine. Coming into a house that's a mess reflecting my recent whirlwind work travel....during which I depended upon good friends and neighbors to care for my son since his father lives 90 miles away and thus can't host him on school nights. Parenting alone means that I pack not one bag but pack my kid up as well...my travel disrupts his living situation and reminds us both that our family life is not as God designed.
Yes, I know. Really, I do. I am blessed in many ways. I have a job that pays the bills, offers me sufficient flexibility to parent, and brings me meaning and joy most of the time. I have a few friends who help me out....a lot. I should focus on these things; after all, Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away. That reminds me. I have a turkey to buy and a house to clean. Maybe I'll just allow myself the gift of being sad and cranky for a day or so.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Success-ion!
It's been a long few months. To make a long story short, C and I have been up and down and deciphering and trying to work on the relationship. Hard but good work. As I've been hopeful about rerestoring our relationship status [in a non-Facebook sort of way] I've been really concerned about telling Gabe. Unnecessarily so.
When I told Gabe that I'd decided to date Craig again, Gabe said "Cool", with enthusiasm, and added "If you're happy, I'm happy". I replied with "Thanks Hun", and he continued...."I don't want you to be lonely. When I go off to college, although you'll see me everyday during college[at this point he plans to attend where I work], but after that".
I get it. He's 10. He's good with this because it fits his needs. Still, I think it's also safe to reaffirm that taking care of ourselves is one way of caring for our kids. In this case, Gabe intuits that mommy having someone (in addition to him) in her life will alleviate my loneliness when he leaves the nest. And he is right. At the same time, it alleviates his need to be my caretaker. No kid should feel responsible for his parents' wellbeing. I am committed to not placing that weight of the world on his shoulders. I am glad to have his unbridled support as I take responsibility for my own well-being, and to be reminded that, in doing so, I succeed in my commitment to be responsible for his.
When I told Gabe that I'd decided to date Craig again, Gabe said "Cool", with enthusiasm, and added "If you're happy, I'm happy". I replied with "Thanks Hun", and he continued...."I don't want you to be lonely. When I go off to college, although you'll see me everyday during college[at this point he plans to attend where I work], but after that".
I get it. He's 10. He's good with this because it fits his needs. Still, I think it's also safe to reaffirm that taking care of ourselves is one way of caring for our kids. In this case, Gabe intuits that mommy having someone (in addition to him) in her life will alleviate my loneliness when he leaves the nest. And he is right. At the same time, it alleviates his need to be my caretaker. No kid should feel responsible for his parents' wellbeing. I am committed to not placing that weight of the world on his shoulders. I am glad to have his unbridled support as I take responsibility for my own well-being, and to be reminded that, in doing so, I succeed in my commitment to be responsible for his.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Wisdom of Youth
"When you start dating again, tell me this time.", Gabe declared as we got in our car at the grocery store lot. "I will", I responded."You are older now and can understand better". He is 3 years older, in fact, than when I started dating following my divorce from his dad. It's between two years since he met C. It's been two days since I told Gabe C and I were no longer dating.
Gabe's moving much faster on the idea of mommy dating again than mommy.
Gabe went on. "And this time date someone tall....that'd be awesome....and fun. yeah, I can tell my friends this is my dad and they'll be like whoah.". I asked him what fun was....and he said "he'll take me to the movies when I get an A+ and energetic". Gabe's come a long way in 2 years. There's something in this mommy dating thing for him too, and that's a good thing. C is a good man, but aside from the heighth requirement, Gabe's list betrays C's weaknesses. He didn't have a lot of energy at times and didn't believe in external rewards for grades.
While I recognize that Gabe's list betrays his own perspective and needs, he reminds me that I even though the end of this relationship is a big disaapointment it isn't the end of the story on my finding someone with whom to grow old. Even though I'm not yet ready, perhaps I can begin to hope and even to begin my list. Knowing that Gabe believes now that mommy will date someone means that he is less afraid of losing me, more confident in my deep and undisplacable love for him is comforting. I count that a wonderful sign that he's weathered my first post-marriage relationship rather well. His reminder that there will be someone else for me...someone that fulfills mine and his deep needs...is pure gift.
Gabe's moving much faster on the idea of mommy dating again than mommy.
Gabe went on. "And this time date someone tall....that'd be awesome....and fun. yeah, I can tell my friends this is my dad and they'll be like whoah.". I asked him what fun was....and he said "he'll take me to the movies when I get an A+ and energetic". Gabe's come a long way in 2 years. There's something in this mommy dating thing for him too, and that's a good thing. C is a good man, but aside from the heighth requirement, Gabe's list betrays C's weaknesses. He didn't have a lot of energy at times and didn't believe in external rewards for grades.
While I recognize that Gabe's list betrays his own perspective and needs, he reminds me that I even though the end of this relationship is a big disaapointment it isn't the end of the story on my finding someone with whom to grow old. Even though I'm not yet ready, perhaps I can begin to hope and even to begin my list. Knowing that Gabe believes now that mommy will date someone means that he is less afraid of losing me, more confident in my deep and undisplacable love for him is comforting. I count that a wonderful sign that he's weathered my first post-marriage relationship rather well. His reminder that there will be someone else for me...someone that fulfills mine and his deep needs...is pure gift.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Another lesson on being attentive
My son stops cold each time we pass a face of a missing child. He has for some time. I don't recall the first photo he asked about, but I recall the panic I experienced the first time he asked about a missing child. How could I explain to him that other children have just gone missing? Even trying to explain required that I consider the traumatic reality that he could be the one missing. Explaining at any level sparked his realization that he lives in a world where kids like him go missing. The walls we build to block out potential trauma in our lives are torn down answering questions like these.
Gabe finds these photos everywhere. The pizza place has a missing child's face on a candy bin where you can drop in a quarter and get a tootsie roll. A similar notice and candy bin is at my hairdressers. The milk cartons. The signs in the grocery store. Everywhere. Too many lost children.
I walk past these pictures most often without even noticing. I've built strong walls; it's easier to be numb than to ponder the depth of such deep losses. Gabe asks few questions when he sees these notices now. I could learn something from his ability to just live with the questions. He simply stops and looks with a deep compassion at each photo. He notices the age when the child has gone missing. He calculates how old the child is today. When we go to our regular places...he heads toward the notices he has seen many times before.
One time Gabe looked at a notice and said, "Mom, this one is still missing". I was struck by my own lack of hope that a missing child would ever be found and yet it was his sincere expectation. Another time he said "look mom....she was found!" and sure enough, there was a notice that a formerly missing child had been found. That's why these notices are around...because in some cases they work. They work because people notice and believe in hope against hope.
Gabe gives these deep losses and amazing occasions for celebration the attention they are due. He pays attention to loss, to joy, to reality, to miracles. And to his lead, I intend to pay attention.
Gabe finds these photos everywhere. The pizza place has a missing child's face on a candy bin where you can drop in a quarter and get a tootsie roll. A similar notice and candy bin is at my hairdressers. The milk cartons. The signs in the grocery store. Everywhere. Too many lost children.
I walk past these pictures most often without even noticing. I've built strong walls; it's easier to be numb than to ponder the depth of such deep losses. Gabe asks few questions when he sees these notices now. I could learn something from his ability to just live with the questions. He simply stops and looks with a deep compassion at each photo. He notices the age when the child has gone missing. He calculates how old the child is today. When we go to our regular places...he heads toward the notices he has seen many times before.
One time Gabe looked at a notice and said, "Mom, this one is still missing". I was struck by my own lack of hope that a missing child would ever be found and yet it was his sincere expectation. Another time he said "look mom....she was found!" and sure enough, there was a notice that a formerly missing child had been found. That's why these notices are around...because in some cases they work. They work because people notice and believe in hope against hope.
Gabe gives these deep losses and amazing occasions for celebration the attention they are due. He pays attention to loss, to joy, to reality, to miracles. And to his lead, I intend to pay attention.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Being Attentive
Today I drove a 1988 BMW convertible. Its historical place obvious in its design. I noticed immediately the bright red line at 55 on the speedometer and the absence of cup holders. The German engineers, I was told, held out a long time before including cup holders in their designs. They firmly believed driving to be its own work....the automobile deserves its rightful attention. I try to imagine a time when driving was about the journey not the destination.
There is no red line on my Accord speedometer, and the days of 55 as the limit for speed are largely gone. We not only have cup holders in our vehicles but also but thermal coffee mugs designed to fit them. The BMW engineers finally capitulated to the market....putting holders in the cars against their will. (The good guys don’t often win when the driving force is consumerism).
Driving is now something that “happens” while we consume a value meal on the way to soccer practice. For longer drives, our vehicles are equipped with DVD players so children can pass the time on the road rather than giving the journey its due.
The reality is we spend most of our lives journeying...far more than we do arriving. We even, sadly, construct our lives in a manner that ignores the significance of the journey. We celebrate the new job but not the multitude of opportunities to grow in our current work. We dance at the wedding but neglect to celebrate the daily milestones that make up a marriage.
Those German engineers were on to something. Life is its own work and deserving of our full attention.
There is no red line on my Accord speedometer, and the days of 55 as the limit for speed are largely gone. We not only have cup holders in our vehicles but also but thermal coffee mugs designed to fit them. The BMW engineers finally capitulated to the market....putting holders in the cars against their will. (The good guys don’t often win when the driving force is consumerism).
Driving is now something that “happens” while we consume a value meal on the way to soccer practice. For longer drives, our vehicles are equipped with DVD players so children can pass the time on the road rather than giving the journey its due.
The reality is we spend most of our lives journeying...far more than we do arriving. We even, sadly, construct our lives in a manner that ignores the significance of the journey. We celebrate the new job but not the multitude of opportunities to grow in our current work. We dance at the wedding but neglect to celebrate the daily milestones that make up a marriage.
Those German engineers were on to something. Life is its own work and deserving of our full attention.
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