Epiphany

I love those epiphanic moments when I suddenly see something in a new way, including my own life. Lately, life's been filled with other-driven epiphanies - deception and secrecy uncovered within the lives of family members. Like the children of many dysfunctional families, over time I newly recognize the depth of the dysfunction but more importantly on the manner in which I have been shaped either within and/or in response to my life context. For example, I've long been 'gifted' in putting a positive spin on even the worst of circumstance, so much so that, as part of my healing, I've actually had to practice being sad.

I gave advice to a friend recently where I think I fell off the wagon. Having experienced two major losses in less than a year, I encouraged him that at some point he would, indeed, have these aspects of his life back. But, that's wrong. Broken families and unemployment don't magically get restored. And yet, despair even over such major loss is not the end of the story.

Life does get better and often in ways we never imagine. When my husband left and "broke" my own family, I lost not only a husband and consistent parenting partner but also a dream. This particular dream for an intact family for me and my son will, unfortunately, never be restored. Still, what were once just fragments of loss have reemerged into a new shape, the pieces now compose a new and more hopeful puzzle. Four years into being single again, I am not happy to be divorced in general , but I am quite happily divorced in particular. And the big picture is that I am more whole and more hopeful about the future than I ever imagined possible.

I am not pleased that I've experienced so many losses, but I celebrate that I see God's grace in the midst, that I have witnessed the manifestation of Christ within and beyond these losses. I'm sad for my friend; he won't get the life he imagined back even when he is gainfully employed or enters a new relationship. And yet, I hope for him that as he moves forward he, too, will look back on these real experiences that now seem only sad and ultimately see how these moments transformed his sense of possibility and served as catalysts for healing. I have great hope for epiphany in his life.

Indeed, may we all see manifestations of Christ in the darkest moments. May we experience Epiphany fully today and throughout the year!

Resolution

Today is the traditional day for resolutions. I wonder what I actually resolved in January 2008? If I resolved to do any of the following, then I'd be able to say I fulfilled my goals for 2008:

1)watch less television
2)read more often [clearly coincides with #1]
3)begin dating again
4)secure new responsibilities at work
5)nurture a love for reading in my son [see #1 and #2]
6)exercise regularly [I'm embarrassed to say it may be related to #3]
7)participate in a writing group
8)renovate my basement

Now, if I resolved to do the following in 2008, then I'd have to say I did not fulfill my goals.

1) organize my life
2) submit writing for publication regularly

I think I actually resolved to be more organized; in fact, I just found a "one year to an organized life" book published in early 08 with an uncracked spine. If I judge myself on this single resolution, I was an abyssmal failure in 2008. By comparison, I accomplished four times as many potential resolutions as not. In this case, looking back is more productive than imagining forward!

Considering resolution to solely mean "a formal expression of intentions" might simply be too limiting. Let's think of resolution in musical terms, that is "to cause [a voice part or harmony as a whole] to progress from a dissonance to a consonance". Everyday opens opportunity for resolution....dissonance to consonance, cacophony to harmony, conflict to peace.

So, for 2009, my resolution is make space for consonance even amidst the dissonant, to affirm the paradox of life.

Abode to 2008

2008. All in all, it's been a good year.

Gabe has learned to read and is beginning to really enjoy it. He reads books almost as much as he collects books, which reminds me of his mother. Gabe's 7th birthday party was held at the Young Chef's Academy, where he and several friends cultivated the culinary arts. And, soccer was again a major part of our fall. He seems to be well-rounded. Still, what encourages me most is witnessing the unfolding of this compassionate, funny, and resilient young boy who calls me mom.

Relationships have been a highlight this year. Attending my 20 year reunion at Occidental College provided the opportunity to rekindle longstanding friendships, and also enabled me to transform some college acquaintances into new midlife friends. I also re-entered the dating world in 2008, realizing that "it was time". The timing was nudged by a chance meeting in an airport that led to a whirlwind long-distance Verizon-supported romance. After being reminded of a part of me that I'd shut down for some years, I briefly entertained just "dating" and staying away from relationships only to realize that simply wasn't me. For the past several months, I've enjoyed cultivating a solid foundation for a relationship with a lovely man who helps me to better know myself even as I get to know him. He and I share an appreciation for meaningful conversation, a propensity for the ironic, a deep love for our respective children, and an ability to enjoy life at its simplest. I celebrate all that I am learning with him, including the opportunity and discipline to practice the present and let the future unfold on its own.

I know 2008 was filled with challenge in our world, including the economic downturn. And my life has it's share of woes to be sure. Still, this context has reminded me of the value of the simple joys in my life...meaningful work, a warm home, good friends, a wonderful son, and good health.

2008 has not only been good but has has taught me what "life is good" really means.

Christmas Tunes

My son and I have a small booklet of family devotions for Advent. One of the entries begins by saying: "Let it snow; let it snow; let it snow. Whoever wrote that song probably didn't have to shovel the walk and driveway". I laughed out loud and thought to myself....'exactly'! Similarly, Winter Wonderland wasn't written by a single person. And clearly Irving Berlin wasn't thinking about Bethlehem when he penned White Christmas!

When did a primary image of Christmas become big happy families roasting chestnuts on an open fire [I don't know about you, but I've never roasted a chestnut.)? When did Christmas become about mistletoe and kissing your beau in a "wonderland of snow"? I'm sure my functional family envy mediates my experience of Christmas culture, but I also know these images aren't the point.

Christmas is, actually, about joy; the human embodiment of the fullest revelation of God. Christmas is also about community; the commitment of Joseph to God and to Mary, surely in the midst of much public ridicule for an out of wedlock pregnancy. In addition, Christmas is about displacement and vulnerability; the God of the universe left the comforts of the eternal to take the form of a tiny baby who experienced the challenges of dependence in our temporal world. Christmas is about discomfort; Mary gave birth to the incarnated Christ in a venue built for animals.

Christmas, perhaps, embodies the promise of paradox; I wonder what might be different today if Irving Berlin or Bing Crosby had captured that notion in a catchy tune.

Paradox

In The Promise of Paradox, Parker Palmer not only explores but actually celebrates the contradictions of the Christian Life. The 2008 edition is a republication of Palmer's first book, published 30 years ago when Palmer was 40. In his preface to the 2008 edition, Palmer explores the both the blessing and the curse associated with reissuing Promise. The blessing of returning to the joy of first time authorship, a feat he previously thought himself incapable of. The curse of reading in print what he once believed, and finding points of confirmation and contradiction with his convictions three decades later.

As I've wrestled this week with paradox - hope and fear, joy and suffering, disappointment and expectation - Palmer offers some wisdom: "The promise of paradox is the promise that apparent opposites can cohere in our lives, the promise that if we replace either-or with both-and, our lives will become larger and more filled with light". I think I'll hold onto that promise and allow the apparent opposites of my experience to live in tension, as it were, and just see what happens.

"Hopes and Fears"

Some Christmas Carols are really wonderful reminders of the truth of the the gospel and its relevance for all of life, including the rough times. Indeed, may our "hopes and fears" be met in the incarnation!

O Little Town of Bethehem.

O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie!
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light;
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

For Christ is born of Mary, and gathered all above,
While mortals sleep, the angels keep their watch of wondering love.
O morning stars together, proclaim the holy birth,
And praises sing to God the King, and peace to men on earth!

How silently, how silently, the wondrous Gift is giv’n;
So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His Heav’n.
No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in.

Where children pure and happy pray to the blessèd Child,
Where misery cries out to Thee, Son of the mother mild;
Where charity stands watching and faith holds wide the door,
The dark night wakes, the glory breaks, and Christmas comes once more.

O holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us, we pray;
Cast out our sin, and enter in, be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels the great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!